Merry Christmas!

We are safe and warm in Amarillo, and I've had a wonderful time with family. I haven't done anything that is neat or impressive, but have had lots of fun. The most fun was taking Angel and my nephews to Cadillac Ranch and took lots of pictures I promise to post when I have more time. I will post more later...

May the blessings and peace of the Christ Child be with you on this special day.

I haven't posted in a while because of two reasons: first, I've been VERY busy, and I've been concerned about a weird new thing that started happening a few weeks ago, and I didn't want to say anything, but I didn't want to keep anything away from anybody until I knew what was going on. My arms and hands have been going numb and to the "pin and needle" feeling. It has been very upsetting to me because I know somebody with spinal metastasis and didn't want that to be me. The good news is that it is just neurothapy due to the chemo and that there are no new tumors to report since my PET scan last week. The bad news is that my arms and hands go numb every now and then. My doctor is so awesome. He was quick to make me feel at ease and recommend some things that will help...I hope.

Today was the last day of the first semester. With some awesome help, I'm done grading the semester tests, and I believe all my students passed my class. I think that is the first time that has happened in my career, and that is awesome. We're out for Christmas Break, and I get to go home to Amarillo soon. Most of my extended family lives within 90 minutes of Amarillo, and I hope to see all of them.

State of Emergency

The state of Oklahoma has been hit by freezing rain and more than 600,000 homes in the OKC metro area are without power at this time. We've been lucky and haven't had anything more than a light dimming, but much of the area is dark. When I went to the doctor's office today the two oncology nurses were without power at home. The roads are safe to drive on, but school has been canceled due to no power. It has already been announced that Chris and Lexie will be off tomorrow, too.

The trees look like a tornado has hit them. Many are split down to the trunk, and some are broken at the root. We have several large brances that are broken, but our tree had no leaves so it wasn't as bad as many.

Medical notes.

I'm home safely with a reconstructed nipple. I won't get to see it for a week since the bandages need to stay on. There was a skin graft taken from my abdomen. The good news is that all the areas are numb from previous surgeries, so the only thing I could complain about is feeling sleepy from the anestesia.

My mother-in-law is out of the hospital and doing well, and I have no report on my brother-in-law. He may be resting but isn't answering his phone. I'm just thinking no news is good news and hoping they're getting some rest.

Another prayer request

Chris' little brother, Jeff, is in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism today. That is a fancy way of saying that a blood clot has lodged in his lungs.

Chris' mother is doing better. They didn't have to cut into her chest so her recovery will be much easier. I didn't understand much from Chris since he is under lots of stress right now.

Time really flies...

I'm up later than normal since Chris is out of town with his mother and I don't sleep well without him. From what I understand, she will have a bi-pass surgery tomorrow. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

October and November are normally fast and furious months for me, but the last two months have been even more so. Unless you live under a rock, you will know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Although I'm not a girlie girl, I've have a bit of Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) in me now and then and like pink things. I got prett sick of pink during October. I'm not one to scoff at any donations being given to find a cure, I DO get tired of seeing pink stuff with miniscule amounts, especially non listed amounts going to "breast cancer awareness." I'm pretty sure we are all aware of breast cancer by now...let's find a cure. Anyway, I got to participate in my first Race for the Cure and go back to work after a nasty recovery time. The end of October is the beginning of hunting seasons, too. I married into a family that doesn't get together for Christmas, but gets together for hunting season. The hunting area is on a ranch owned and ran by Chris' aunt and uncle. They are the hosts for family from around the country (well, Wisconsin, Georgia, Texas, and Oklahoma) during the week of Thanksgiving for rifle season. October is the Youth hunting weekend and the beginning of muzzleloader season. The temperatures were unseasonably warm and we primarily wore jeans and t-shirts. The girls are now seasoned hunters and like it more than I would ever imagine.

I can't believe November is already gone! Hunting season was very successful, and it was great to get to see Chris' family. During the beginning of the season, temperatures were in the 80's, but soon dropped to the normal lows in the 20's (all in 5 hours one day). November was also Oklahoma's 100th birthday as a state. There were numerous celebrations during the whole year, but some of the most fun happened last month. One of my favorite was one small town making the largest birthday cake in the state...nothing wrong with a little cake!

My life is still trying to get back to normal. I still struggle to find the energy of BC (before cancer) and hope that energy will someday be found. It is weird now that my life doesn't totally revolve doctor appointments and recovery from various treatments. By the way, I will have a small surgery on Friday morning to install a nipple. It will be skin colored until it is tattooed after healing. I never thought I would ever have any kind of cosmetic surgery, but I'm becoming an old pro now.

Please keep several people in your prayers:
Glenda who is going through chemo for breast cancer.
Jennifer who is in the same boat I'm in (also NED) but also has two beautiful boys she needs to stick around for.
Uncle Herb who has surgery next Monday for cancer.
Denise who has surgery later this week to find out if she has cancer.
All the awesome women I know who have inspired me to kick cancer's butt.

I know I couldn't have done any of this on my own... God helped me all the way through. I pray the same for them.

Happy Thanksgiving

Okay, I haven't been posting well at all lately. I have a dirty little secret...I'm a deer hunter. I'm at deer camp at the moment, and I'm the assistant chef and head bottle washer for the crew, so I stay pretty busy. I just wanted to wish all a Happy Thanksgiving and hope you all have lots to be thankful for. I sure do.

Private to Shelly: I heard you yell "Run! Bambi, Run!" all the way here. Man, you're loud...Love ya!

Pensive

I'm up again and can't sleep. For those familiar with the Harry Potter series, a pensive is a tool used to place and examine thoughts...kind of like this blog for me.

Another woman on my on-line support group's cancer has come back and spread to her liver, and possibly her brain and bones. It is weird, because she's been worried about a headache for a month and her doctor wasn't concerned. I'm not sure how, but she ended up in the hospital and the liver mets (metastatic disease spread) was found. I know this sounds weird, but in a way I'm lucky. I will always be closely monitored and when the cancer does come back, I will always know quickly.

At the moment, my life is back to a kind of "normal." To me it means my life does not rotate around treatments and surgery. I do have one small surgery left to build a nipple. I know it sounds weird, but the mirror in my bathroom is HUGE and it is impossible to miss when I get out of the shower. I was hoping my new foob would be more natural (rounded) looking, but it is kind of lopsided. A big part of that is from how I sleep on my side leaning to the front. My weight pushes the implant to the center. I just want to look more normal. I'm hopefully going to be in this body for a while, and while I know it is just temporary in the whole scheme of things, I just have the need to feel as normal as possible. After the built nipple heals, the color will be tattooed in to look like the other.

So what happens now in my treatment? I go to treatment every three weeks for Herceptin, and will until it stops working. I also still take a hormonal drug called Aromasin that blocks any remaining estrogen in my system. Both drugs help to starve the cancer out of my body. One of the sad facts about cancer is that it is a master at mutation. Just like the "super-bug" staph infection, cancer eventually finds a way to beat the treatments. Like I said, I will be monitored closely with blood tests to check for tumor markers and PET scans every three months. I believe all the way down to my heart that my oncologist is ready and willing to fight as hard as I am to beat this cancer, and hopefully there will be a true cure for all cancer soon.

Well, I guess I got rid of what was on my mind, so maybe I can finally get back to sleep. These night sweats are killing me.

Thoughts while I can't sleep.

Lately I've been able to get away from dealing with MY cancer. It is bothering me more to see it everywhere else. This week alone, three people who I have come to care about had various surgeries dealing with breast cancer. I can't elaborate how much I hate this disease.

A couple of weeks ago a woman with young children who was a voice of calm when I was first diagnosed passed away. After she announced on the message board she was going into Hospice about a month ago, I swung between wanting to cure cancer myself (I wish I had that talent) to wanting to hide from the world of sickness. What bothers me the most is that I am surviving with no little children of my own while there are women with babies who are dying. I have no death wish at all, but it breaks my heart to hear of mothers dying.

Glenda is a co-worker who had a port installed yesterday and started her first chemotherapy today. She will also undergo radiation in her treatments. She will be a grandmother in February and is in her first year of teaching.

Ruth got her permanent implants today and has two beautiful children. She has a wonderfully quirky sense of humor and is almost as dorky as I am.

Jennifer is my "Stage IV" buddy. Getting the same scary as heck diagnosis is a hell of a reason to get to know somebody, but she is an inspiration to me. She is a tenacious fighter and a mother of two beautiful boys and has an awesome husband who would gladly go through all this treatment for her if it was possible. We've shared surgery tips along with treatment tips and the best oncologist in the USA.

When I walk in training every day, I walk for these women and all the women I know. I walk for my family members and strangers. I walk, and I walk. I can't do anything else, but I can spread awareness for early detection and help raise money for the scientists to find a cure.

Happy Halloween!

These pictures of me are truly hideous, but we won the costume contest for the first lunch teachers!

Race for the Cure

I am SO jealous I didn't get my head painted while I was bald. This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
This is Lyla. I recognised her from a message board that has been essential to my sanity in the past eight months.
This is Parker. He is one of my former students. He hasn't seen me in a long time but recognised me because of my eyes.

This is the University of Oklahoma Women's Basketball Team. They were cheering on the walkers and runners near the finish line and were active in the closing ceremony.

The Race was AMAZING! There were over 17,000 people there, and lots of money going to fund breast cancer research. The RFTC (Race for the Cure) is mostly a celebration of life, and survivors are celebrated, but there were too many names on the back of t-shirts to remember those who have died from this nasty disease. I'm going to place some of my favorite pictures:

Race for the Cure-OKC

Tomorrow I will be starting my battle of stomping out breast cancer. I signed up for the Race for the Cure late because I honestly wasn't sure I could walk a mile or not. I'm putting the link to my very generic fundraising page if anyone wants to donate. I will add this with a warning that I will be asking for BIG donations later because I have to raise over $2,300 for the 3-day walk. I will update with how things went tomorrow.

HERE

Teacher of the Week Pic

This picture is with my head principal. I wish the student was with us, but my brain wasn't functioning well at the time. Geez I look frumpy.

Some days...

Some days things happen at work to make everything worth it. I've been very tired, but going back to work is my return to normalcy that I need to help feel better. I'm so tired by the end of the day I crawl to the sofa and watch TV and nap. This week for my students was a short week due to Fall Break and Parent/Teacher conferences. Yesterday I started wondering how my students did on the End Of Instruction Algebra test that they take as mandated by No Child Left Behind. I was jumping for joy to see that almost all of my students passed, and 75% of the students who made the highest score were mine. It made me know that I'm doing my job right, and my students are awesome.
Today I went to work already tired because I didn't sleep well and had a LONG day ahead of me. I get to school early but was running late for my first period class only to see the HEAD principal waiting by my room. I'm ALMOST always on time to class, but sometimes get caught up visiting with a co-worker or student. I rushed into my room and started to get my students settled down only to have my class interrupted for the most splendid surprise. I am officially KMGL Magic 104.1's Teacher of the Week! One of the morning show DJs was there along with my principal, several teachers and a few drag along students who were curious about what was happening. He read a beautifully written letter that I think I heard only the first three sentences to before my emotions took over and my tongue became too large to enable speech. Along with the words that warmed my ragged heart were some gift certificates that will be fun to use. My picture with my principal will be posted to the station's web page sometime in the near future. I had a goofy smile pasted to my face all day and my cheeks hurt. I can't believe that I've been given this wonderful gift and feel so undeserving compared to so many of the wonderful teachers I have worked with in my career.

Here is the letter: This is the best gift I've ever been given as a teacher...
Jeff,

I am so excited to tell you about Mrs. Amy Watkins!

My daughter attends WestMoore High School, and has admired Mrs. Amy Watkins for being such a strong and enthusiastic woman.

The last semester of last year, Mrs. Watkins was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Mrs. Watkins spent her summer going through treatment, learning how to fight the battle of cancer. Although she was told she would have to endure a mastectomy surgery in the upcoming months, she kept her faith, and felt the encouragement and love from all her students. She knew she could get through this difficult time in her life. She made a promise to her students that she would shave her head for them (actually she had no choice, her hair was falling out due to chemo but she didn't want her students to see it this way) if they all did well on their first test while she was out. In fact, all the students passed! They said they passed for her! And wanted to do this for her!

Mrs. Watkins is now back at WestMoore High School, giving our children the best gift: the gift of knowledge. I am pleased to tell you she is cancer free, however is still having tests ran regularly.

You see Jeff, Mrs. Watkins deserves this more than any other teacher I know. Not only has she struggled with cancer only to overcome it, and make her an even better person, but has also impacted so many young children. Impacted them in amazing way. They have faith when before they knew her they may not have had faith. They know love when before meeting her may not have felt love. They have an amazing teacher in Mrs. Watkins, and after all that she has been through, she is so deserving of the Magical Teacher of the Year Award or any of your astonishing gifts.

Something to show her how proud we are of her and how loved she is. To show her that she's not only given our students, my daughter, the gift of Knowledge, but also the gifts of Passion, Love, Faith, Hope, Drive and Determination, and the encouragement to overcome so many obstacles our children's lives may bring.

Please consider Mrs. Watkins, please consider her passion for life! Please consider her as the Teacher of the Year :)

Thanks Jeff for allowing me to express my thoughts. I've enjoyed writing you this email! I know Mrs. Watkins will enjoy hearing from you and everyone at Magic 104.1.

BRAC Testing Results

I decided to have the BRAC testing to determine if I carry the genetic mutation that is a known factor in breast cancer. Because my treatment is different because of my Stage IV cancer I didn't need it earlier to determine on the choice to have a single or double mastectomy. Many women who are BRAC positive have decided to have a double mastectomy as a measure to prevent recurrence.

When I had time to read about the BRAC mutation, I read that not only is the chance of breast cancer higher but also ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer is a very deadly disease because the symptoms are similar to cramps and gas. No routine testing is done for ovarian cancer at this time, so I wanted to find if they had a higher chance of breast or ovarian cancer.

The good news is that I am negative for the BRAC mutation. I know it sounds weird...I am glad that my sisters don't have to worry about having the mutation (they still need to have routine testing done) but I DO wish I could blame the cancer on SOMETHING.

I'm still doing well from the surgery. I still have drainage tubes coming out of my side to prevent fluid accumulating in the boob spot. I planned on going back to work tomorrow, but I'm afraid with tubes coming out work would be a bad idea. The risk for infection is higher, and my classroom is tiny. If I bumped into a kid it would hurt like crazy. I could see myself spewing fowl language at work...not good. I hate missing work, but I've learned that I have to take care of myself or I'm worthless to my kids.

Easiest surgery so far...

I have an implant now! It is soft and filled with saline and a very easy surgery. I think the anesthesia used must have been a lighter variety because I came out of it without the feeling I was smacked in the head. I was home in time for dinner even though all I ate were some peanut butter crackers.

I haven't got to look at it yet since I'm bound in an ACE bandage that isn't to come off until today when I go for the follow up visit. I've already tried peeking under the ACE but the skin is covered with a 4 X 4 bandage. I have a drain coming out of the surgery sight because there was a fluid pocket under the muscle. I was hoping it would be pulled out today, but I'm afraid there is too much fluid coming out to do that.

I am so glad this was so easy. I'm planning on walking in the Race for the Cure next weekend, and I was afraid I might have to ride the Survivor Trolley. Next year...the 3-Day.

Goodbye tough tittie!

I was planning on having my exchange surgery where the tough expander would come out and the softer implant would go in during Fall Break so I wouldn't miss any school, but that plan is out the door. For those who aren't in Oklahoma, Fall Break is a four-day weekend in October. I don't know if there is any reason for it, but it is nice. Anyway, my plastic surgeon won't be able to do surgery while I'm off, so I asked for the next surgery opening so the tough tittie can go.

The surgery will be at 2:30 on Monday. I have to be there at 1:00, and will be home by 6:00 after recovery. I should get to go back to work by Wed. or Thurs. The good news about this surgery is that the skin is numb due to cut nerves and the reports from others is that it is actually a relief to get the implant due to the hardness of the expander.

Have a great weekend!

I'm back in the saddle again.

I started back to work yesterday. Some may think I'm crazy, but I love my job and hated being away from my students. As I've gotten better physically, emotionally I've been worse. I've been in the middle of a pitty party for myself and almost sequestered myself from the rest of the world. I would go to my doctor appointments and put on a happy face for them, but the rest of the time I pretty much kept to myself. It is weird: I would be very happy when people called or e-mailed, but I never really called anybody or e-mailed them back. I "didn't want to bother anybody" with my feeling sorry for myself. I knew that this was depression, but it didn't make it easier to do anything about it. Every few days I wrote long blogs that have been deleted because I didn't want anyone to worry about me. The good news is that I'm getting better now. Going back to work is just what I needed.

Other's writing

I heard this blog referred to on NPR before I was ever diagnosed with cancer. I started reading this some time after my treatment started. He says many profound things, and I just wanted to share something he wrote earlier in the week. The auhor is Leroy Seivers, and next Monday he will be going through a spinalectomy. He has metastatic cancer from colon cancer (listen to those who are putting off colonoscopy). The title is the link to his daily blog. He makes me look like a wimp.

Does Cancer Make Us Cowardly?

“How many of us would love to run away from our disease? From the treatments, the side effects, the pain? ... We can't run away. So we are left with only one choice. Stand and face it. ”

I was watching an old episode of Boston Legal the other day. I won't try to summarize the plot, but a cancer patient was on the stand in a trial. In the course of his testimony, he said, "Cancer makes cowards of us all." It's one of those lines that grabs your attention. It was clearly meant to. And I kept thinking about it long after I was done with the episode.
I think it's wrong. Wrong meaning incorrect, not morally wrong. Cancer, as we all know far too well, is scary. It's more than scary, it's terrifying. It's worse than any horror movie out there. Sometimes the fear it brings can be almost paralyzing. Except that it's not. I think cancer tries to make cowards of us all. And fails.
To me, a coward is someone who runs away, who fails to act out of fear. No cancer patient is a coward, for one very simple reason. We're not allowed to be. How many of us would love to run away from our disease? From the treatments, the side effects, the pain? At some point, we have all felt that. But it's just not one of the options. We can't run away. So we are left with only one choice. Stand and face it.
We've talked before about how often people tell us how brave we are. I don't think that's right either. We are challenged by this disease, and we rise to the challenge because there really is no other choice. People are much stronger than they think. It's just that many people are never tested.
My cancer has scared me. It scares me pretty much on a daily basis. It scares me when it hides, when it grows, when it surprises me. But make me a coward? Never.
Leroy Sievers

Better and better...

That is my Dad's answer when people ask how he's doing. It always brings a smile to my face when I hear it. Aging like a fine wine is how I think of it.
That is how I'm doing, too. All of the steri-strips are off, and can you believe that the surgery wounds are held together with super-glue? I've had no infections, and the pain holds off until the end of the day or when I accidentally bump into anything. My stamina still is pretty low, and it is driving me crazy because mentally I'm ready to go back to work.
I went to the urologist today to have the stints removed that went from my kidneys to the bladder. OUCH!!! I hoped after having the hysterectomy I would be done "taking the position," but I'm not that lucky. He said that everything looked good, but I have to go back in a month to double check. I'm very fond of all my doctors, but this guy always puts a smile on my face. He wears Hawaiian shirts and has the warm personality to go with them.
I'm off to take a nap and dream sweet dreams.

The Amazing Foob

I am one of the lucky ones who were able to start reconstruction immediately after the mastectomy. Well, I SAY lucky, but the main reason I'm not going through radiation is because there are too many places to radiate. Right now I'm in the first stage of reconstruction. During the mastectomy, an expander was put into a pocket made under one of my pectoral muscles. The expander had 200cc of saline in when I woke up from surgery. I've had 3 fills of 50cc each so far, and it looks like I'm a flexing Mr. Universe contestant. I will keep going in twice a week for fills until it is the size needed to be equal to the other side. After that, I will schedule an exchange surgery to get a more comfortable, softer, and yes, perkier new boob. I think during or after the exchange surgery, I will be eligible to make sure both breasts match, and have a nipple installed and tattooed if I choose.

There are times, especially when I try to sleep, I hate the darn thing. It is not only stretching the skin but the muscle and other soft tissue. The muscle hasn't been very happy with this, and has fought back with muscle spasms and intense soreness.

Other than dealing with the foob (a word I stole but wish I made up), I've been healing and doing better and better. I wish I was good enough to go to work, but my stamina is still pretty low. I've spent time sitting outside in the cooler weather (80's to low 90's), and watching StarTrek re-runs. (yep, I'm a geek) Life is great, and I totally feel blessed to have that nasty cancer out of my body. I know I will always have to be checked and be treated for it, but I know my long term chances for survival have increased and will follow whatever plan God has for me. I will also begin to fight all kinds of cancers because nobody should have to go through what I or any of the wonderful, strong, beautiful people I've met through this have.

What my life comes down to now...

My life hasn't been very exciting lately. I've visited with all the surgeons already, and all they seem to care about is what comes out. It reminded me of a Scrubs episode song that I made a link to. I hope you have fun watching it.

I am getting stronger. I walk to the end of the block and back on my own. I went to WalMart with Chris on Saturday and it was all I could do to walk to the back of the store and up. I am too tired to feel bored yet. My life is pretty much sleep, books, doctors, sleep...pretty boring.

Just wanted to leave an update.

Filling in the blanks...very long

I have found when speaking to people that there are lots of blanks left in the surgery story since there was a scare that put everything else on hold, so I thought I'd fill in the blanks to fill in the blanks. I 'll just start from the beginning...

When I went in for surgery Monday morning, I was given an IV, visited with each doctor plus their physician assistants and interns. I also had visitors and calls from all over Oklahoma and Texas. I felt loved and cared for, believe me... The surgeon who performed the mastectomy went to a breast cancer seminar the weekend before and learned about a lymph node mapping system that would dye the nodes that belonged to the arm so that just the breast nodes would be taken, and that would give me a MUCH less chance of developing a nasty condition called lymphedema. I was rolled into the OR just after noon and was finally given the "happy juice" that I was promised that would relax any anxiety I had. I remember friendly eyes looking behind surgery masks from all over the OR, and then I went to la-la land. The surgeries went great. I was told the surgeries would take up to five hours, but things went so smoothly, I was out of the OR in 3 1/2 hours. The hysterectomy was first. There was a surprise cyst on my ovary about the size of a grapefruit with lots of scarring on the ovary. That explains a lot from my teen and adult years. The mastectomy was next and the expander was placed in last. I woke up in recovery feeling pretty good. I remember trying to focus on the time, and the kind nurse with me told me how smoothly everything went. I remember noticing my chest was bound tightly and it was hard to breathe, but I didn't feel too bad...

When I was wheeled to my room, it is reported that I made a few phone calls, but I don't remember any of them. I do remember Chris laughing at me while he asked for a dictation for my blog, and was told I was acting like a drunk college student. After a while, I felt a lot of pressure on my abdomen and wanted to go to the bathroom. I was told that I couldn't feel that way since I had a catheter, but looking at the catheter showed nothing. I had several nurses try different sizes of catheters...but nothing would come out of the bladder. Calls started going to the surgeon...and she had some of the doctors come from the emergency room to take a look at me...still nothing. I was given shots, given new caths, took the cath out and sat on the toilet...nothing. Finally at 3:30 AM, the surgeon came in and sent me to the ICU. Meanwhile, I was given a lot of drugs because I in lots of pain. A kidney specialist was called in, and I was given new catheters in my groin area to have dialysis. My potassium levels were at very high levels, and the next concern would be a heart attack. During the next day, I was in and out of consciousness while various tests were being run, and no one could figure out why my kidneys weren't giving the bladder anything to empty. I remember a sonogram being done since the tech had to press against my new incisions and then my sides to look at the kidneys. I think by the evening when an OR was open, I was taken back into surgery to take a physical look at what was going on. I remember Dr. C giving me 3 options...and the first one she said was correct.

I remember being wheeled into the OR, and even making a joke or two with the friendly eyes behind the masks. They told me they were going into the previous incisions to fix me, and I gave them my full confidence before the "happy juice" sent me back to la-la land. I lost a lot of blood, and it was hard to see what was wrong, but the freak of the problem is that when I had my hysterectomy, the leftover organs have to be sutured back to the abdominal walls and given a place. One of the sutures made the muscle against my ureters swelled and made the lines between the kidneys and bladder kink up like a cheap water hose. Stints were placed, and the lines were open immediately. (yippie!) The bad news is that I lost some blood and would have to be given a couple of pints of blood to help the healing process along.

My knowledge of blood comes from MASH, and I just thought I could give them my type and get a couple of units in my body in an hour. This wasn't so. Blood transfusions have to be cross-typed in many different ways, and it takes hours for a transfusion to go in. Someone has to constantly be with the one getting a transfusion constantly because there is a chance of an allergic reaction to the foreign body. It takes hours for each little unit to go in, but it is for a reason. I remember my dad (who NEVER likes to sleep away from his own bed) somewhere about 3:30 in the morning. One of his best friends drove him from Amarillo, and I think then I realized the seriousness of what just happened. Drugs or no drugs. I think I got a little sleep, but I must have been feeling better, because I was pointing the finger with the heart rate monitor that turns the finger red at everybody croaking "BEEEE GOOOOOOD" ala ET (Extra Terrestrial, not Entertainment Tonight). I thought I was pretty darn funny, but I think I was the only one.

Things were going very well, so I was moved to a room. I was very disappointed to hear that I would be spending a few extra days in the hospital due to the second operation, but was more disappointed to hear that I wouldn't get any more pain shots and had to ask for pills from then on. The shots were SO nice with the instant pain relief.

The rest is recorded, but I'll do a quick note on the pathology reports:
...NO live cancer found in the breast tissue
...NO cancer PERIOD found in the the lymph nodes
...no problems found besides the cyst on the hysterectomy parts

GOD IS GREAT!!!!

The ugly side of recovery

I haven't felt like posting in the last few days since my life has been reduced to bodily movements and fluids...and my pride didn't' want to go there. I woke up this morning knowing that anybody would have to deal with these things, and I HAVE kicked cancer's ass, so I a little ugliness wouldn't hurt me at all.

When I left the hospital I had all kinds of nice accessories and bling. I still had my pretty bracelet that they gave me Monday before surgery and all kinds of tape marks on my right arm since my left arm is off limits to pricks and pokes forever. I had a Foley catheter to drain urine from my beaten up bladder and a neat drum looking thing used to suck fluid from the mastectomy sight. My fancy white thigh high compression hose and an ACE bandage wrapped around my chest giving me cleavage to what isn't there finished up the sexy assembly. These have been things I haven't been able to change since I got home. I know, yuck. I DID demand to go home in a pretty pair of PJ's that I bought a month ago that have some lace and cuteness to them. It is so hard to feel cute at all...and I'm no girly-girl...but I AM a girl.

Anyway, since I got home, I've mainly sat in the recliner since there is no other place I could lay down or lean over without pain. I've had to rely on everybody in the house to bring me anything that I consume or want to do, and it is hard since I'm so used to taking care of everyone else. I've had pains that were so terrible that I couldn't make myself move, yet moving is that best thing to make the pains go away. I've taken two boxes of Gas-X to deflate my pregnant looking belly and get rid of the terrible gas pain. My Foley cath is also leaking and I'm going to hopefully get that fixed this morning in my follow up appointments. I hope it will get to go away.

Every day I get better, and today is great. I was smart and set alarms through the night to take my pain pills. I'm finally able to get up on my own with the help of my walker, and don't necessarily need the walker to get around, but appreciate that it gives me the courage to move around more. Today I start the first round of follow-up appointments, and I'm ready to get the rest of the tubes out of my body. I will also attempt a shower since I haven't bathed since before my first surgery. I'm pretty ripe...eew! On that hot note, I'm going to sign off.

Home, Sweet Home!!!

I finally passed the tests needed to come home, and I'm so happy to be here. I am VERY sore, especially after the ride home. In nine miles there are 9,000 bumps that made my insides feel like they were at war with each other. I took a belly pillow home from the hospital that I used to hold everything close to me while I whined and whimpered to make my mom feel guilty for every bump she even looked at. (I'm such a rotten daughter, aren't I?) I would have never thought I'd voluntarily use a walker, but I was darn happy that there was one for me to use at the house to use to get into the house. This surgery has totally kicked my butt.

I just want to add how happy I am that all of you and God have been here for me this past week. I have never felt fear or loneliness during this time.

Another day...more good news!

It is interesting how my life has changed in a few hours from anything similar to normality to teeth gritting survival. Now I'm excited over every drop of urine and every passing of the gas. I know it is gross, but I feel totally comfortable sharing this information with anybody since I discuss all of this with almost every person who walks into my hospital room. The staff here is so helpful, and has been bringing me pain killers and shots every time I've needed them. I'm starting to get back to normal, but my kidneys will be upset with me for at least the next six weeks, so while I"m going through recovery for this surgery, I will also be taking care of my kidneys. I guess I'm finding the hard way to give up caffeine. It will be worth it this time.

The word going around is that I will get to go home Saturday. The time here has passed quickly since I've been in and out of the land of Nod, and have had some great visitors and phone calls from people with too many miles to go between us. I am so thankful for all of your prayers and love.

I'm back! Kinda sorta.

This is my first time on the computer since Monday morning. I'm sorry for scarring anybody, and hope none of us have to go through that again. When I'm not moving, I'm very sore, and it elevates to pain after I move, so I try to move as little as possible. The pathology that was done on the lymph nodes came back 100% negative. Yippie! Pathology will be done on all the tissue they took out, more results to come.

I'm going to keep this short, but I just wanted to let you all know I'm doing very well. That setback will put me in the hospital for a few more days, but it is nothing I can't deal with.

DAY 3 ( I.P. FREELY)

THIS IS CHRIS AGAIN.....

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE COMMENTS AND PHONE CALLS.

AMY IS DOING VERY GOOD THIS MORNING. WE HAD A BIT OF SCARE LAST NIGHT, BUT IN THE END IT IS ALL WORKING OUT TO BE THE BEST CASE.

AT ABOUT 6 OCLOCK LAST NIGHT THE SURGEON SHOWED UP WITH PANIC ON HER FACE. AMY HAD NOT PASSED ANY URINE, AND THE DOCTORS COULDN'T FIND ANY REASON FOR THIS. DOCTORS DONT LIKE NOT KNOWING..... SO WE DECIDED, OR THE DOCTOR DECIDED TO GET AGRESIVE. SO OFF TO SURGERY WE GO.

FIRST A UROLOGIST ATTEMPTED TO PASS A SCOPE THROUGH. THERE WAS NO LUCK BECAUSE THE TUBING OF THAT AREA WAS BLOCKED. THIS WAS GOOD NEWS, BECAUSE IT MENT WE HAD A TUBING PROBLEM AND NOT A KIDNEY PROBLEM. THEN THE SURGEON TOOK OVER AND WENT BACK IN THROUGH THE ORIGINAL INCISION. CLEARED THE PINCHED TUBING, AND AS THEY SAY, LET THE WATER WORKS BEGIN.
SHE IMMEDIATLY BEGAN URINATING, AND THE CRISSIS WAS OVER.

THIS MORNING AMY MANAGED TO WAKE UP BEFORE ME AND CALL ME. I TOOK THIS AS A GREAT SIGN. WHEN I ARRIVED AT THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING, SHE WAS AWAKE AND MAKING JOKES. SHE IS HEALING AND WILL GO HOME ABOUT SUNDAY.

correction

IT SEEMS THAT MY LACK OF SLEEP AND THE LONG HOURS IN THE WAITING ROOM ARE TAKING THIER TOLL ON ME. I CANT SEEM TO WORK THE SPELLCHECKER TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPELL CATHATER, SO AS YOU CAN SEE IT IS HIGHLIGHTED IN THE POST TO ACCENTUATE MY INACCURACY.

ALSO I MISTYPED MY PHONE NUMBER... 405.201.5159

DAY 2 IN THE HOSPITAL

HELLO ALL, THIS IS CHRIS AGAIN.
WE HAVE A LITTLE SET BACK. LAST NIGHT AFTER SURGERY AMY WAS HAVING DISCOMFORT IN HER BLADDER. THE NURSES WATCHED HER URINE BAG CLOSELY BUT IT NEVER FILLED. AFTER 7 ATTEMPTS AT PLACING A NEW CATHATER, THEY ALL AGREED THAT HER KIDNEYS HAD STOPPED WORKING. AS OF NOW SHE IS IN THE ICU ATTACHED TO A DIALYSIS MACHINE IN HOPES TO LOWER HER POTASSIUM LEVEL. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL KICK START HER KIDNEY AND GET THINGS FLOWING.

THIS IS BEING VIEWED AS A TEMPORARY SET BACK AND NOT AN ONGOING CONCERN.

PLEASE KEEP YOUR PRAYERS GOING AND HELP US SEARCH FOR THE MESSAGE IN THESE DIFFICULTIES. AMY WILL PREVAIL, SHE IS MUCH TO STRONG TO LET SOMETHING THIS TRIVIAL TO STOP HER.

ANYONE WHO IS WONDERING: WE ARE AT INTEGRIS SW IN OKC. SHE IS NOW IN ROOM NUMBER 362 ICU. MY CELL NUMBER IS 404.201.5159

COMING OUT GREAT, (THOUGHTS FROM THE OTHERSIDE OF DRUGLAND)

HELLO ALL, THIS IS CHRIS TYPING FROM DICTATION FOR AMY. I JUST WANT TO ADD A NOTE TO LET YOU ALL KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOUR SUPPORT AND KIND WORDS HAVE BEEN TO AMY AND ME. THE PRAYERS HAVE NOT ONLY HELPED BUT THEY HAVE CREATED A MIRACLE. THANKS SO MUCH.....

"I JUST KICKED CANCERS ASS. I COULD THINK BETTER IF I WERE TYPING. THE STAFF HERE IS AWSOME. "

WELL AS YOU CAN TELL FROM HER DIRRECT QUOTE, THE DRUGS AND FATIGUE ARE KICKING IN. WE LOVE YOU ALL, AND CANT WAIT TO SEE AND HEAR FROM EACH AND EVERY ONE......

Tomorrow's the day

I'm counting down to less than 24 hours before I'm wheeled into the operating room. I don't FEEL too nervous since I know this is essential to my long term survival, but I'm nowhere excited about this, either. I will leave the OR without parts of me that have been around since I was born, well, one since junior high. It seems weird getting rid of something that I anticipated so much so many years ago and bought cute accessories to go with in the years since. I'm not SAD about the occasion, but somewhere in my heart I know I'm mourning the changes that will be happening to my body whether I want to admit it or not.

I think I'm as prepared as I can be for this momentious occasion: I've packed a small bag for the hospital with a sleep mask, earplugs, and a few other things that will help me survive a few days in the hospital. I've had all the copies made for my substitute (thanks to awesome assistants and copy ladies at my school), and all the clothes are being launderied as I type. I've prayed with several people, and my heart feels the peace that only comes from God.

I will give my password to Chris, and hopefully he will post how things are going. He will have his phone, and my mother will have mine...so if you are desperate for news, call either number. all our incoming minutes are free, so don't worry about that. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, along with my family and friends who have to endure someone they love going through surgery. I want to thank all of you for all your love and support. It means the world to me.

Ten years...

Yesterday was our anniversary...ten years! We're not the biggest anniversary celebrants, heck, last year we forgot our anniversary until three days later when someone asked how long we were married. As our defense, I'll say that we had just moved and started new jobs.

Wednesday night at bedtime we noticed the air conditioner wasn't working properly. We went outside to look at the unit and make sure some switch wasn't moved, and noticed the sound of the condenser unit trying to come on. It wasn't a good sound, especially when you live in Oklahoma in August. I WILL say I'm so happy a cool front came through last weekend and our high temps have only been in the 90's. We opened all the windows and were thankful we have great ceiling fans and were able to be fairly comfortable through the night. Chris called an A/C repair shop and they came after school, only to say we need a new compressor. The good news is that the compressor is covered by warranty since the unit is only a year old. The bad news is that we have to pay for labor...Heck, I chose the wrong profession. The other bad news was that we would have to endure one more night without A/C.

To make the evening more endurable, we decided to go out to eat and watch a movie...a date on our anniversary? Angel happened to be home (her teachers see her more than I do now) and we went to Norman, so we picked up Lexie. We went to eat some of the best hamburgers on the planet and then to see "Live Free or Die Hard." I honestly wasn't excited about seeing it. I loved the first three movies, but I was thinking of "Rocky 6." Ugh. I was wrong. The movie rocked our socks off. Yippie kaye yea! The best thing about a movie theatre is that for little money (it was at the discount movie) we had great air conditioning. We came home after dark, and with open windows and fans endured another night without A/C. Thank goodness it gets fixed today.

I know this sounds weird, but I'm so glad we had this normality to occupy my mind. I feel like a normal person with normal problems.

On the ABnormal part of my life, I had another Herceptin infusion yesterday. When I entered the chemo room I saw someone I've been wondering about and praying for since I met her. She is another Stage IV gal, and we visited about expanders and surgery and survival. She's a fighter just like all the women I've met on this journey...and we spent about an hour comparing notes...she's already had a mastectomy, so had some great advice for me, and we're both facing the loss of ovaries. Did I ever mention the "cure" for breast cancer sucks? Anyway, it was great seeing her, and she is so prescious I hate more than anything she has cancer.

Outing Glenda

Normally, I'm one of the best people to tell a secret to. I'm going to blame chemo-brain when I almost outed Glenda to my classroom. Her name is a link to her blog, so she's out of the pink ribbon closet and I feel free to use her name.

Okay, back to my big-fat mouth. The other morning when my surgeon's nurse called to give me the final and official time and place of my surgery, I mentioned that I had a friend who was just diagnosed who was visiting the office next week. When she asked for her name, I blurted out her name...then slapped my hand over my mouth. DUH! I went as soon as the bell rang to confess and beg for forgiveness. Sweet as she is, it was no big deal.

Anyway, I've posted the link to her blog. I recommended she start her own to communicate without having to explain the same thing over and over and over and to help get feelings off her chest. I hate cancer. I really hate when somebody I know and care for is diagnosed. Check her out and give her some support. The time after diagnosis was the worst part for me of this whole journey.

The surgery will be at (drumroll please)....

The surgery will be at Integris Southwest. I will have to be there at 10AM, and the surgery should start at noon. It will last until about 5:00, and I will spend at least an hour in recovery.

Oh, I will be in the hospital for three to four days.

School, Two Different Hospitals, and General Frusteration

Today was the second day of school, and I am exhausted! I moved into a TINY classroom with lots of crap. It took hours and help to get it set up for my students, and I was so ready to see their faces! There is a special electricity in the building this time of year, and it makes it worth getting up earlier than I'd like to and putting on makeup. My class is full most hours, and I'm trying to figure what to do with my students for the next two months since I will be gone at least six weeks. I hate that, but I gotta do what I gotta do. At least I got up and went to work on so many mornings when I was tempted to call in sick so I have enough sick days stored up.

On Monday I THOUGHT that my surgery would be at OCOM. I was going to post it, but I've been too tired after getting home. Today when I came home there was a message from one of the surgeon's office telling me that the other surgeons were wrong and it is to be at Integris Southwest. After I took a big giant sigh, I took a look at the clock and noted it was after five, so I'll have to wait tomorrow to call the doctors again. What a mess!

My general frustration has nothing to do with school or the surgery, but I found out today that one of my friends at work now has breast cancer. What the heck!?! Is this crap contagious? What sucks for her right now is that she is in the "not knowing what is going on" phase. She has an appointment with the same surgeon that is doing my surgery next week, and without releasing her name, I'm just asking for prayers for her right now.

I have a date!

On Monday, August 27, I will have surgery. The surgery is scheduled for noon, so it will probably start about two in the afternoon. My stomach is in all kinds of twitters, but I will just have to get over that and not let it ruin my next two weeks. Did I ever mention that cancer sucks?

We are not exactly sure where the surgery will be. Chris and I have spoken to two different nurses on Friday afternoon, and were told two different hospitals. On Monday, our first priority is to get the surgeons to agree on the place...I AM pretty happy we have a time nailed down.

Still waiting...

The nurse for one of my surgeons called this afternoon and said that one of the doctors' nurse has not responded to her messages. She said that it may be next week before we know anything, but she will call and call until she gets a response. The doctor I'm waiting on is the plastic surgeon. He doesn't have the best "bedside manner," but he's a perfectionist, and has been highly recommended.

Breathe in....breathe out...(repeat)

Oh, I start back to school tomorrow! I love this time of the year.

Waiting for a date

I met with my plastic surgeon and my ob/gyn surgeon. The ob/gyn is an identical twin of my general surgeon who will be doing the mastectomy, and both seem brilliant. I am currently waiting for a phone call from one of the doctors to have a surgery date. I will post when I know more.

Cancerland

I've been off work for the last two months, but the time has flown. I will be going back to school next week...wow. This last week I've gone to a mini family reunion for Chris' extended family and went home to see my family in Amarillo, Texas. It is great to get to see people new and old, and I wish we all had more time and less miles between each other.

While in Amarillo, we took Lexie to a small amusement park called Wonderland. For some reason on the way home, my crazy mind came up with Cancerland, and I guess the reason my mind went there is that we came home for doctor appointments. In my mind, Cancerland is not anything like an amusement park, but a long line of doctor appointments and tests and surgeries. It is kind of like the "Hotel California" where "you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

Cancerland isn't the worst place in the world that I can imagine, and there are some wonderful things that have come out of all of this, I'm just coming to the realization inside me that I will always deal with cancer as a patient. I've known this in the back of my head, but I've refused to look at it full on until I had to. Since I've been diagnosed with cancer, I've gone through the stages of grief...grieving the life I had and the future I've planned. The Cancerland realization is bringing on old feelings of loss that I've already dealt with and honestly wanted to put away. I guess I'll never have the option of locking the box on cancer thoughts, and it sucks.

Honestly at this time I'm thinking of deleting all I've written above. I've heard from others that I'm so positive and inspirational, but I can't be strong all the time. Today is a weak day. It is easier to be honest with myself than with others because I don't want anybody to worry about me. I've deleted lots of posts that I just typed and put down for me, and this may go into the depths of cyberspace, but if you're reading is, I guess not.

Sharing something SO sweet

A couple of days ago while checking Angel's MySpace account, I read that her heroes were her parents...Chris mentioned how sweet we thought that was, and last night Angel asked if we read the updated version of the Heroes part of her MySpace. I will warn you this is so sweet it might make your teeth hurt, but I just wanted to copy this down for prosperity. I AM editing this a little for spelling and grammar, but I'm keeping it to a bare minimum.

Heroes
my parents...I know that they're not my blood, but they are to me... you know .. i can be crazy around them like they're my best friends.... i can tell them anything.. you know i never felt like i was loved.. until i lived with them ....i felt free, happy, and blessed! i know that GOD put me here for a reason, and i know that i'm gonna find out... i know we have our times of fightin but everyone gets into fights... how do you get stronger? lol. I love my real family...but to me my birth and them are MY REAL family.. without them i could never be as happy as i am NOW!!! I know i'm makin no sense, but that's how I am.. you never know what i'm gonna say..ha ha but i'm just glad that GOD put me somewhere.. where i can be loved without trying... you know.. I LOVE YOU!!!!

Dear Cancer,

I just wanted to let you know that I got up and walked three miles this morning, and this was after walking three miles last night. I have to be perfectly honest and say that I've never been motivated to exercise before. I didn't care too much about those extra pounds and the jigglies. For my health, I've done the minimum needed...off and on...but never have been truly motivated to keep up with it. Now, I have a reason. I want to get rid of you.

While I'm out, I'm going to tell people why I'm walking. I'm going to tell them about the strength and courage that came only from God, and how awesome HE is. His praise is forever on my lips. I'm going to walk so that no parents will have to hold sick babies who are too young to understand why they have to get stuck, so that mothers won't have to explain to their babies why they can't pick them up, so that parents don't have to worry about burying their child... I'm going to walk so mothers can see their children marry, so that every pain won't be a worry about cancer, so these awesome oncologists can go into general practice. I walk because I hate you.

I know...I know...you're just doing your job, but you more than anybody need to be unemployed. You are a killer, and deserved to be locked away in test tubes like polio, and I've decided I'm going to be a part of putting you away. I'm going to train, and use my feet as the platform to stomp you out.

Goodbye you jerk!

Amy Watkins

Chemo makes you....GAIN WEIGHT?!?

Going into chemo, I thought that at least I would lose weight. I mean, that is what the perception I've gotten from movies and television...I've never been close to anybody going through chemotherapy so I didn't know...

Last time I went to my doctor, I weighed in at my all time high. I've never weighed more... then one night when I couldn't sleep, I saw Oprah featuring Dr. Oz (You! books) and heard him mention that he could write a prescription for chemotherapy for weight loss. (This was tongue in cheek referring to dangerous diets, not really offering) Anyway, I was sure I heard it incorrectly, but on a message board that I visit, somebody else noticed this remark. When I speak to women who've gone through the same treatments I've gone through, they have all gained weight, so I just wanted to spread the word that when people are on chemo, weight loss isn't the norm...especially with the amount of steroids that are given to keep us from having serious allergic reactions to the therapies.

Anyway, I don't know if I have any other point, but I AM walking to walk in the 5K this fall for the Komen Foundation. I will then start training for the 60-mile/3-day walk. I want to make sure that the children I know don't ever have to deal with cancer treatment...

Angel's Birthday Party

I just wanted to post a picture of Angel's party. She had a great time, and I wanted to extend my appreciation to those who sent birthday greetings to her.

Sharing other people's work

I've had this link in my favorites for months, but never published because it is pretty emotional for me. It is a beautiful video that a fellow cancer vixen did for Relay for Life, and I think now I'm ready to share. The pictures are women from the Young Survival Coalition, where I have found that I'm not the only one going through this at my age. Just a quick aside about that: When people get around to the topic that I have breast cancer, many people, especially people my age say something like, "My grandmother had (or died) from breast cancer." In my head, I'm yelling, "Do I look like your grandmother!" but I smile and ask how the grandmother is or give my condolences. The yelling in my head comes and goes, and I do know it isn't all about me and know that they are just trying to relate. I just feel like such a freak of nature sometimes.

Kid Fears

This is another link that I've had, and it was done specifically for YSC, and the song is by Melissa Etheredge. When it comes to survivors, I don't look at their politics or private lives, but look to their strength. This song is great, and will remind me to keep fighting for others when my scars are healed and my hair is back.

I Run For Life

What a year!...and then onto random thoughts.

I started reflecting today on the last year, and I truly believe that God has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be right now. In the last year, I've changed homes, jobs, and got sick. I've seen the importance of friendship, family, and some important relationships have been strengthened, while some new relationships have started. Blessings come in disguise, and I believe that God brought me here to heal...physically, mentally, spiritually. I wouldn't wish any kind of cancer on my worst enemy, and know that we have to work on a cure...not just a treatment that disfigures and beats up on its victims. Anyway, I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy, but I'm not going to dwell on how unfair this is or "why me" or any of that negative crap. Yes, negative thoughts do creep in, but they don't deserve my time. I don't WANT to give them my time... life is too precious.

Feeling normal(ish)

First of all, I just want to tell friends and family that Angel's birthday is next week on July 24. I would totally appreciate it if people would send an e-mail or a card to her. If you need our address (snail or e-mail) just send an e-mail to me or ask a family member. We are planning a little BBQ in honor of her 17th birthday, and I haven't bought invitations. I'm so bad at planning things. I know she doesn't read this, so if you want to come, everybody is invited. Just call if you need directions and details. We're in the phonebook, and I'll give you info. I have lost too many phone numbers and e-mails to count this year.

I have started walking every morning. I think I get more exercise slapping mosquitoes, but it is a start. I feel like I've never walked for exercise before in my life, and feel too weak to go too far from the house. My hair is still growing and filling in. My hair is darker than it was when I began coloring it in junior high, WAY darker. It is also so soft. I don't know if I'll end up coloring it or not. I DID grow up in Texas in the 1980's, so it is in my blood.

I haven't heard anything about a surgery date, and guess that I have to meet with the two other doctors who will be on the team. I've been reading Ruth's blog and the firsthand account of the mastectomy surgery sucks. I DO know from a reliable source that if I have a hysterectomy that I can't vacuum for a full year (It is a joke, but I'm going to milk it for all it's worth).

Quick dates

August 3, I'm meeting with the OB/GYN
August 6, I'll meet with plastic surgeon

Surgery is being scheduled. It has to be a time when all three doctors can be there at the same time, and will be on a Monday, since that is when my surgeon has scheduled time in the OR. We're leaning on sooner more than later, and I'll post when that is as soon as I know something.

So, Amy, What's next?

I had the appointment with my surgeon today to find out what step is next for me. She is a great surgeon, and a great person. The first five minutes of my appointment was her going on and on what a miracle God has worked. It is one thing that I believe something miraculous has happened, but totally another to hear it from a medical professional. It is truly overwhelming, and I have trouble believing that I am worthy of the blessings bestowed upon me.

First of all, I will have to meet with my plastic surgeon to decide what will be done with my reconstruction, and I will meet with my ob/gyn who will be either doing an hysterectomy or an ooperectomy (just the ovaries). I'm asking for prayer for guidance on the right choice. The deal with the hysterectomy is that it has a longer recovery time. The surgeon likes the idea of the hysterectomy because breast cancer is "in league" with ovarian cancer, uterine cancer, cervical cancer, and enderiomental (sp?) cancer...it is also "in league" with colon cancer, but my colon gets to stay in place no matter what. The ooperectomy has a shorter recovery time and has less complications in the future dealing with bladder, etc. I don't know what to do, but I'm sure the best answer for me will become clear. After I meet the other two doctors, I will undergo one surgery to remove my breast, place an expander under my chest muscle, and have the "ectomy" of choice. The other choice I have to make is to have the surgery sooner or later. If I have the surgery sooner, it will be over with and I won't have to think about it. It will also help with cost since I have paid my maximum out of pocket on my insurance this year (I wish that included meds). The downside is that I will miss the beginning of the school year that is my favorite time of the year. It is also essential for my discipline for the year and gaining my student's trust. If I have my surgery later I get to be at work for my favorite time of the year and I get a break from treatment. The downside is that the whole thing may go into next year and I will have to start a new out-of-pocket. I ask for prayers for this, too.

I hate the unknown. I know if I place my trust in God that all will be okay, but I'm human and don't want to do anymore. I know I will do all I have to do because I never want to question if I did all I can do to prevent recurrence, which is the nightmare of every cancer patient, but there are days I just wish I could put it all behind me...and some day it will all be just that.

I hope I don't sound pessimistic at all, because I actually feel good about all of this. Yes, I am nervous, but I think I've already been through the toughest part. I just need guidance on what to do next, and let my head be clear and awaiting God's will.

Home again!

After two days on the road, and multiple stops to keep the drivers and passangers from too much restlessness, we're home safe and sound. I'm so glad we had such a wonderful trip, and want to mention that it wouldn't have been possible without our wonderful hosts who welcomed us into their beautiful home in a beautiful place. It allowed me to relax, forget about the "c-word," and make some wonderful memories. What more can a gal ask for?

Salmon Fishing

We got up at the WAY too early time of 3:15 AM to go salmon fishing. Angel caught the first fish...it is almost as big as she is.

This is one of my fish. It is wonderful to get to go fishing without having to touch a fish. The young man helping us took a lot of looks at our Angel.


Chris and Lexie bringing in a big one.

The kids playing witht he fishies.

We're off to a pot luck at Beth and Dan's church and then to the Island's fireworks.

Happy 4th of July!

Rock Island

We went to Rock Island on Monday. There is a lighthouse there that is worth the mile walk each way.

THIS is Pottawatomie Lighthouse. The tower that you see to the right is the one the Coast Guard uses now. I don't see anyone lining up in 150 years to visit the second lighthouse.

Up in the lighthouse tower. The magnifying lens is to the right of the girls.

The girls in front of the gate. It was a very cool day.

Waiting for the ferry to take us back to Washington Island.

North of the Tension Line

Angel, Lexie, Aunt Beth, Amy, and Will
This is in front of Aunt Beth's Garden after church. Aunt Beth is Chris' aunt, but she counts me as one of her own. Will is Beth's grandson.

The Lighthouse on Plum Island. I believe that it is Pottawatomie Lighthouse. The area here is called Death's Door. Beth's father-in-law lived and worked on Plum Island for three years while in the Coast Guard. There are many shallow, rocky areas around the island known as "Death's Door."

Angel and Lexie fishing in Detroit Harbor.

Lexie on Schoolhouse Beach. The rocks are all smooth. It is incredible.

A lake boat at sunset. The lake boats haul iron ore from the mines to be processed. You can see the curvature of the earth on the lake.

Today we are planning on going to Rock Island if the weather permits. There is an old lighthouse that people can stay in for a week if they agree to give three tours a day to tourists. There are also campsites and an old boathouse that was built to look like Vikings may have used it.

We're Here!

We are at Washington Island, and loving the sunny and cool weather. Today's high temp. was 72. I feel so relaxed right now. The first picture is from the boil over at a fish boil at the American Legion. They do fish boils for fundraisers like Texans do bar-b-ques. It sounds gross, but the fish is wonderful! The second picture is on the ferry boat on the way to the island. The boat in our background is another car ferry. Just to let you know how cool it is here, the picture was taken in the early afternoon. The natives are wearing shorts, but we're used to warmer weather.

We're almost there!

Today was a LONG drive. We drove 9 hours from Kansas City to Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin. For those of you who are not from this region, Wisconsin Dells is a big vacation town, kind of like Branson, Missouri, but with water parks instead of music. We went and played at one of the indoor water parks, and got flushed.

After Chris and I went down, the girls who promised they were right behind us chickend out and chose to ride a different ride.

On the way here, we took I-35 all the way to southern Minnesota. We traveled through Iowa, and in the thought of getting the girls to move, we got them to jog out to the middle of a cornfield. Sorry this is out of order, but I'm too tired to fix it. Just think of it as a glimpse into my scattered brain.

Travelin'

Greetings from Kansas City! We were so pooped by the time we got here I'm not sure if we're on the Kansas or Missouri side. We're on our way to Washington Island, WI, and I am excited. The weather will be cool and I believe it will be sunny. In Oklahoma, we've been having quite the opposite of what the weather has been in the last 5 to 6 years of drought...rain...rain...and more rain. It produced a wonderful wheat crop for many farmers, but many haven't even been able to harvest, and many crops have been hailed out. If you are a Harry Potter reader, you may recall that in the 6th book the Dementors were reproducing, and it was making a daily rain in parts of England (my thoughts when I read that is that I thought it rained all the time there anyway). Anyway, I'll be glad to see some sun. I feel like a flower planted in the shade!

Anyway, I'll be seeing my surgeon after I get back on July 11th, I believe. I can't remember anything without my calendar with me, and I didn't bring it. I'll try to remember to post some pictures of our trip. Lexie and Angel are coming along, and they've been great so far. We're 1/3 of the way there, so I better go wake up my crew and get them fed and on the road.

Doctor's Report

I finally got to see what a CT/PET scan looks like...and I don't know how any doctor can tell anything from those pictures. I tell you what, I look SO much better from the outside, even with the loss of hair.

As expected, the report from the doctor was good. I'm in remission, or No Evidence of Disease. It doesn't mean that every cancer cell is gone, but that there are no tumors that we know of. It is reason to be happy, though, because it means the cancer won't get me this year. He is recommending surgery to remove the sight of the original tumors and my ovaries, which I also expected. At first I hoped to put the surgery off until after Thanksgiving to allow me to be in top(ish) form for the beginning of the school year, but after talking to Chris I decided to have the surgery as soon as possible. I'm waiting for the oncologist's office to call me with the time of the appointment. It may take a while to get a hold of her office, so I'll post the date of the consult visit as soon as I know anything.

I will also start hormonal therapy today when I get my prescription refilled. I will start a drug known as tamoxifen. http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/default.asp?page=3334 It is for pre-menopausal women, so I'll be on it until my ovaries are removed. After my ovaries are removed, I will take a drug for POST-menopausal women. I HATE taking meds, but I guess I'm stuck.

Honestly, I feel upset right now because I know this isn't close to being over. In my head, I want to be normal again, even though "normal" will never happen. This experience has changed me, and I hope that it has all been for the better. I will say that the number one lesson is that the exterior shell is just that: a shell. It protects me from the elements, and can look pretty, but sometimes will get battered in the protection process. The scars make the shell different and special...I just hope mine is never displayed with some one's vacation memories. (I mean like sea shells)

Just in case any of you were wondering, Lexie's team got Third Place in the softball tourney. Lexie played a good game, and even recovered well from being knocked down by a zealous shortstop between second base and third base.

I don't have anything new to report, I'm just dealing with the nice side-effects from my last chemo. I can't explain how happy I am to have that chapter of my treatment done with.

Can't sleep

Before I get the Taxotere, I get a nice little bag of medicine through myIV that includes steroids that act as an anti-nausea and keep me from having any allergic reactions to the cancer poison. These steroids do the job, but I get hungry and can't sleep every time. I decided to get up and do something, and since I can't concentrate to read, I thought I'd just jot down some thoughts...I hope they make sense.

Two of the things I've always valued in my life is the intelligence I inherited from both of my wonderful parents and the love of hard work that I also received from them. First of all, I consider myself the least intelligent person between my parents and my siblings, but I'm still pretty darn smart. I love to gain knowledge and if I won the lottery (have to buy a ticket first) I would probably go to school and take every class I could. One of the major problems I'm having with the chemotherapy is the onset of "chemo-brain." I can't remember words, am worse at remembering names, and forget things that I normally wouldn't. It is frustrating to know I need to do something, but don't even have the foggiest idea what I need to do because I forgot to even write the darn thing down. A friend gave me a compact with a pink-jewel-encrusted pink ribbon on it that has a stick note on it that has helped to have something to write with, but I forget to use it half the time. I DO remember it to write down doctor appointments and the like...I HAVE to get better. The research on "chemo-brain," or as one of my bosses calls "chemonesia," says that it takes up to two years for normal brain function to continue. One of the benefits of being a teacher is that I do get to constantly learn, but with summer on, and I'm not teaching summer school to support my education habit, I have to try to stimulate my brain in other ways. Reading is a favorite hobby, and it is hard, too. Thank goodness for audio books. I'm spending time with my favorite character HP before the last book comes out right now.
I also gained from the example of my parents a work ethic that rivals the Amish. I remember during a nasty snow storm that mom was one of the only employees that came to work...and she lived at least thirty miles away from the office. I did the same thing in one of my first two years of teaching. I drove over snow on top of ice for a 45ish mile commute along the Dumas Highway, and was only 15 minutes late. I had to leave my house an hour earlier than I normally did...and I normally arrived 45 minutes early...so it even bothered me getting there that late. Honestly, I wouldn't do it again once I saw what danger I put myself in, and that the TRULY intelligent people who lived in Amarillo stayed home, but I was younger and more stubborn. Anyway, it has been very hard on me being away from work. Not only do I love my job and my students, I love working. Even this summer when Chris goes to teach summer school, I try to work the whole time he is gone getting little things done around the house. This week I've been cleaning out and organizing closets. Today I plan to tackle Angels after I sleep in...I have to remember that my first job is to get better.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, and I hope it made sense because I'm too tired to want to proof-read my writing. I want to let the dear reader know that I'm now whining, but I want to reflect on some of the truths of cancer that people don't think about. I knew the treatment would make my health go south (I didn't know how much, thankfully) and I'd lose my hair, but I didn't know about the other side-effects. I truly believed that I could go to chemo and only miss one day of work because I was young and tough...chemo was tougher. Angel made an observance that the cancer didn't make me near as sick as the cure. She is right to a point, but we all know what cancer can do, and I had to explain to her why people willingly put themselves through poisoning, burning (radiation) and mutilation (mastectomies). I thought I had an idea, but I was clueless. I don't remember what this advertised, but the tag line was, "You think you know, but you don't." If I got that wrong, I blame it on the chemo-brain. Well, I'm off to try to sleep again!