I've been off work for the last two months, but the time has flown. I will be going back to school next week...wow. This last week I've gone to a mini family reunion for Chris' extended family and went home to see my family in Amarillo, Texas. It is great to get to see people new and old, and I wish we all had more time and less miles between each other.
While in Amarillo, we took Lexie to a small amusement park called Wonderland. For some reason on the way home, my crazy mind came up with Cancerland, and I guess the reason my mind went there is that we came home for doctor appointments. In my mind, Cancerland is not anything like an amusement park, but a long line of doctor appointments and tests and surgeries. It is kind of like the "Hotel California" where "you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
Cancerland isn't the worst place in the world that I can imagine, and there are some wonderful things that have come out of all of this, I'm just coming to the realization inside me that I will always deal with cancer as a patient. I've known this in the back of my head, but I've refused to look at it full on until I had to. Since I've been diagnosed with cancer, I've gone through the stages of grief...grieving the life I had and the future I've planned. The Cancerland realization is bringing on old feelings of loss that I've already dealt with and honestly wanted to put away. I guess I'll never have the option of locking the box on cancer thoughts, and it sucks.
Honestly at this time I'm thinking of deleting all I've written above. I've heard from others that I'm so positive and inspirational, but I can't be strong all the time. Today is a weak day. It is easier to be honest with myself than with others because I don't want anybody to worry about me. I've deleted lots of posts that I just typed and put down for me, and this may go into the depths of cyberspace, but if you're reading is, I guess not.
2 years ago
3 comments:
thanks for not deleting it. its nice to know that you too are human. good luck at the dr today.
love ya' pat
Amy - thinking of you. I, too, am reluctant to post on my down days... but those are the days I also need the most feedback, so sometimes I post anyway. Anxious to hear how your appointments go.
Amy,
It's been 4 years next week since I was diagnosed and I'm not sure that a minute goes by that I'm not aware that it happened and it could happen again. I don't mean I think about it all the time, but it's lurking on the edge of my mind. Don't let it get you down. It's like another ball that you juggle--husband, kids, job, cancer, dinner, dogs, oil change, you get the picture. You worry about many things & it just becomes one of them. Love ya, Justine
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