Weird Evening

Yesterday afternoon was weird. Due to a nearby tornado and my mother-in-love having a medical emergency, I went a good amount of time NOT thinking about cancer. I got to be "normal" for a little while, and although it was for bad circumstances, it was nice.

My darling husband, beautiful step-daughter, and I are now in Amarillo making sure that things will be okay for my MIL. Things are better than they were last night, and this evening there will be another procedure to take care of the rest of the problem. Do know I'm wearing a mask at the hospital on the urging of EVERYONE, and I'm going to take extra masks to rob banks and appear on the news as the "Chemo Bandit." (Well, that's the best I can come up with with my chemo-brain) The bank tellers will note how pleasant my demeanor was until somebody looked at my bald head and exclaimed wide-eyed "WHAT did you do to your head? Are you copying Brittany Spears?!?" After that they would show the loud mouth tied to the pop-corn machine with her mouth and nose full of, well, pop-corn. Okay, I'd never do that, but I do want to play a crazy person in a play someday. Maybe I'll write it in my free time.

Ooh! I change topics quick.

I'm no Superman...

Right now I'm watching a re-run of Scrubs. The jingle or little song sung at the beginning of each episode is a short and sweet "I can't do this all on my own: Oh I know I'm no Superman." I don't really feel like elaborating on this, but it has been a tune going through my head a lot lately.

Also on the Superman thought, my darling husband has remarked how cutting my hair off has seemed to increase my energy. It is kind of weird, but it seems kind of right. I feel better this week than I did the week after my first chemo. I don't know if my body is getting used to the toxic cancer killers or if my mind is handling the shock better. I really don't try to analyze why, but just try to enjoy feeling better.

Wigs and hot flashes DO NOT MIX

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I placed the wig upon my head and began to gather supplies needed to torture the young souls I call my students. Before I could even get started, a hot flash hit and made me run outside to the 60 degree bliss. For the unschooled of chemotherapy side-effects, I also get to enjoy the benefits of a "chemo-pause" with many menepause like symptoms. My make-up smeared by sweat, I got to wash my face again, and reapply minimal makeup the second time. I also grabbed a solid black handkerchief to cover my head leaving the lonely wig on its stand for the day.

When I marched into the school building, I flashed between worry about looking "normal"-like I've ever been normal- and not giving a crap what people thought because I was hot and tired. I shouldn't have worried at all because I work with some wonderful people and students. There were a few remarks about being a pirate, gangster, and biker chick, but all in fun. Except for my "Teflon-kid," who like to slip out of class, all my students seemed very happy to see me. It was better than a shot of B-12.

On other news, my appetite has come back in a weird way. When I had steak for dinner, I craved the fatty pieces that I would normally feed the dogs. I also just want to eat the cream cheese and forget the bagel for breakfast.

Okay, as I've been typing, I got another hot flash and opened the door to my back yard. I see a cardinal (my favorite bird) and a rainbow. I love how the cardinal makes such a beautiful splash of red against the green popping up in my lawn of weeds, and the rainbow reminds me of God's promises and love. It just gave me a serene moment in the middle of all this craziness.

GI Jane and the lint roller

Yesterday I surrendered my hair. My hair started falling out like a long haired dog in the summer time, and it was time to go. Chris cut my hair with his clippers on the back porch while I pet my three-legged dog's head. I got to see the real hair color that I've been hiding since my first coloring in the 80's with help from my aunts who planted blonde streaks in my hair after intense begging on my part. I didn't go with the mohawk because my hair hurt. It is hard to explain, but I can feel the hair in the follicles. It all needed to go.

There is a funny side effect of a buzz cut, and that is even the short stubbied fall out. It was hard not to laugh this afternoon when little stubbies fell into my grilled cheese sandwich. It wasn't funny enough to eat, but I did buy a lint roller brush to roll through my buzz cut to catch the stubbies. Yep, the first reaction is EEEEWWWWW!!!, but it isn't so bad.

I took off work today, and will try for tomorrow. It is tough dealing with fatigue, but I gotta see is as my job right now to get better.

You may only know these names if you keep up with politics.

Today didn't start off so good. While I was watching the news, there was an update on Elizabeth Edward's announcement yesterday that her cancer has returned to one of her ribs. The announcement showed that bone cancer is not curable, but it is managable. Tony Snow also announced that he will be taking off of work for a (maybe) cancer surgery. I don't see why there would be major surgery without a biopsy first, but we don't want to worry the public.

I'm coming to the realization how real this is. Denial has helped soften the blow of all of this, but my hair loss is accelerating, and that is the last thing I've been holding on to making it not so real in my hair. It isn't the best or the prettiest hair, but it is MINE.

If I don't post for the next couple of days, don't worry. Those are when the fatigue really sit in last time. I hope all of you are enjoying the wonderful benefits of Spring.

2nd Chemo

I went back to the surreal spa today for my second treatment. The lady sitting next to me kept me entertained with stories of her side effects, and gave recommendations on how to deal with them. I now have the permanent taste of a penny in my mouth and if there are any recommendations on how to get rid of that taste, let me know.
I treated myself to a massage at a massage therapy school, and it was WONderful. I have more energy than I've had in days, and my cough has even subsided.
I'm going to cut this short because my anti-nausea medicine also makes me drowsy, and it is kicking in.

MMMMMMM...Bar-B-Que

Today is the best I have felt since my first chemotherapy two weeks ago, so I took the opportunity to eat a meal I could enjoy. That may sound weird to some people, but I haven't even had an appetite for two weeks, and when it reared its beautiful head, I wanted bar-b-que. I wish I had more interesting taste, but I guess that is a comfort food to me. Am I a good West-Texas kind of gal or what?
There isn't much else to report. My hair is still intact, my health is better, and my second chemotherapy is tomorrow afternoon.

Hair

At the moment, I'm staring at a plastic mug full of wax. I hate this mug because it means it is time to remove the embarrassing facial hair that grows on my upper lip. Several years ago I started waxing myself after a dominatrix wanna-be left tiny purple bruises in each and every hair follicle over my lip. No matter how much makeup I used, I still looked like I had a 5 o'clock shadow. Now I stare at the wax knowing what it will do to me, but the end result will be worth it.

Wow, that is how I feel about the treatments I will have to go through. I don't WANT to go through them. They aren't fun, and the side-effects leave a lot to be desired. I will lose hair due to the cancer killers put in my body, and maybe I will be lucky and won't have to wax my lip for a while.

I got my wig in, and will later do a quick photo shoot to show it off.

I guess before I'm ready for my picture, I will buckle up and rip hair out of my face.
On that note, have a nice day!

Taking care of myself.

Until recently, I took my health for granted. I've been blessed by good health, and even my Crohn's Disease has been very manageable almost since I found an excellent GI doctor who has been amazed at how well I've done. My immune system fought off germs so well I never worried about sick students or friends. Although I no longer have that luxury, I am glad that I have enough sick days saved up that when I go to work, I GET to go to work.

I'm having to learn the art of taking care of myself. I'm drinking more water, staying at home when I WANT to be outside playing, and making myself eat when food is the last thing on my mind. I even broke down and bought a cool back rest for my bed since now I'm spending so much time there. (www.bedlounge.com) I can't wait until it gets here. It will really help sleeping in an upright position to keep the cough away. By the way, the Claratin-D is helping tremendously. I still cough, but not all the time now. Speaking of rest, I'm heading to bed for another nap. I'm learning that letting myself rest is very important to my health.

Cough, cough, cough.

Don't get me wrong, I love springtime. I smile all the way to my soul when I see a Bradford Pear tree in full bloom and hear the birds singing in the morning. Spring flowers have the best colors, and my pansies are popping up and looking like happy bearded men. The down side is that I haven't been able to enjoy this as much as I would like due to allergies on my weakened body. It has caused me to miss more work than I would have liked last week, and will needle its way into my Spring Break. I finally smartened up yesterday and bought some Claratin-D yesterday, and wish I did that in the first place. I'll blame my lapse of judgement on the "chemo-brain."

On the good news, I still see the shrinking of my tumors and I still have all my hair. I am starting to *feel* my hair. It is hard to explain, but it isn't the best feeling. I guess the easiest way to describe it is that it feels as though someone is lightly tugging on my hair when it moves in the wind. When I cut my hair, I will post pictures.

It's working!

When I started pre-surgery chemo, I was told that I would see NO change of breast cancer symptoms until after the second treatment. Well, prayers are working. The thickening of the skin is receeding, and my tumors are smaller.
GOD IS GREAT! I just wanted to share the good news.

Blah.

I spent the major part of the last 24 hours in bed. I have developed a nasty cough that won't go away that keeps me up at night. I don't have a fever, so I'm not worried about it, but I just wish it would go away. I'm going to try to go back to work today, and just remember to keep it simple.

Hi-ho, hi-ho...it's off to work I go.

I went back to work today, and it was a blessing. My students were little angles, and it was nice to see friendly faces outside of my home. I DID feel as though I drank NyQuil before heading to work, and I don't recommend that anybody try it. Swimming through fog all day is not the best foot forward, but tomorrow is another day.
I did get to attend Lexie's first all-city band concert tonight. I'm ready to head to bed, but it is worth the time to mention what a wonderful job all the students in the Norman 6th - 12th grade bands students did, along with the directors who made it last an hour. Perfect.
Good night to all of you, and thank all of you for all of the comments you leave. All of your love is so helpful to my mental health, and I believe your prayers are truly going to help a miracle happen.

Wimpy...

If I had to pick a word to describe how I have felt over the last 48 hours, wimpy would be the best word I could come up with. I guess I hit the "flu-like" symptoms that come with chemo. It is weird not even having the energy to read a book. I've been in bed telling the chemicals in my body to kill the cancer when I don't have the energy to do anything but be lazy.
The good news is that I have one more day to recooperate before I try to go back to work, it is raining, and my computer changed over to Daylight Saving Time with no problem.

Naps R Fun!

Come to think of it, I'm so glad I didn't go to work today. I took my first nap before 11 a.m., and the second about 1 p.m. I then went for my Neulesta shot (burns!) and went wig shopping. I got a great wig thanks to a generous wig scholarship. I had to order the color I wanted, so I have to wait to get it in. I had to try on several wigs, and almost started thinking that I should get some nice scarves instead, and saw a wig that fit my personality. I loved it the moment I put it on.
The good news is that the anti-nausea med is working, but I think it also makes me tired. On that note, I think I'm off for an evening nap.

Cleaning supplies make me sick.

Although I should have done this as soon as I found out I was going to have chemotherapy, I went to the store last night to buy some anti-germ supplies so I could protect my now weakened immune system. If I was the person in charge, I would place all of them together, but that is not how it happens. I had to take a trip down the cleaning supplies isle, and I got my first wave of nausea. Thank goodness there was an empty sample table with a trash can nearby. I guess if there is something to make a person sick, cleaning supplies SHOULD be one of them.

I'm feeling up to okay this morning. I wish I decided to go to work, but I've always heard the day after chemo is tough. I get my Neulesta shot today, and I hear it has some nice side effects like bone pain. I guess that is because that is where the bone marrow is located. I want my red and white blood cells, though, so whatever...

Chemo...not so bad.

I had my first chemotherapy today. It was weird in how easy it actually is. I got to sit in a HUGE lounge chair while the chemotherapist (I don't know what they are really called, so I made that up) poked around my sore port and stabbed my skin to the port to start the saline. She started with a anti-nausea medicine that is also a steroid, and then started with the cancer killers. Only one at a time can be administered so they can check for side effects. While going through chemo, I can sit, snack, drink, and even walk to the bathroom. It wasn't harsh at all. I thought I would feel my port area burn and be very uncomfortable, but it did't hurt after the initial stab, and that will change once I get to use the skin numbing cream.

Although I feel okay right now, I'm still probably going to take off of work tomorrow just to be sure. It would be really embarrassing to throw up in front of my class, and I don't know how my body will react to this cancer killer yet.

The chemotherapy drugs that were given to me Adriamycin and Cytoxan, also known as AC. I will be taking four treatments of this every two weeks in what is known as dose dense therapy. I have to go back tomorrow for my Neulasta shot that will help my red and white blood cell count stay up while hopefully the cancer count will go down. After the 2 months of chemo, I will go through a Pet scan, and hopefully the cancer will show up as killed in the external areas of my body, but I will still have to have surgery to remove the area that the cancer started. The good news is that with this treatment, I will probably save most of my lymph nodes. They will then start a chemotherapy of Taxol for 4 treatments, and Herpectin 3 weeks to monthly for the rest of my life. I will also begin an oral drug called Tamoxifen, that will keep my ovaries from doing their job, and will probably eventually lose my ovaries. This is due to the cancer being a positive estrogen and progesterone receptor...it eats my hormones and thus reproduces like crazy.

Installed!

I went to get my port today. I've never even had my tonsils out before, so I was pretty nervous about a knife cutting into me. It was a day surgery, and I was told to be there at 9:45. No food or drink after midnight. Soon after I checked in, I was taken to a room and told to change into a nice fashionable purple paper gown, blue hair net, and bright red socks. If they put a bright red nose on me I could have been a clown. Everybody was very sweet, and answered every single silly question I had. The operating room was cold, but I wasn't awake long enough to get chilled. Just after I told the doctor how nervous I was, I woke up. I'm very sore right now, and have some medicine to keep the soreness from becoming pain.

I'm okay, and now I have the weapon to put my chemo bullets in to kill the cancer. Time to fight.

Okay...I admit it...I'm a geek.

Tomorrow morning, I go to get my medi-port placed in my chest. The reason I'm admitting to my geekiness is that it reminds me of the Star Trek Borg episodes. "Resistance is futile...You will be assimilated!" I guess that is why I will never be able to wear the blue-tooth ear pieces, but I may get over that once I have medical instruments installed inside of me.

I am SO ready to get started on my treatment and kill the jerks.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/fun/funky.asp?date=20070304

This is a link that reminds me of how I feel about the C. In my geekness, I call the C "the alien within." It is time for it to be beamed to oblivion.

Blessed!

I know it may sound weird to anybody who has read the previous posts, but I truly feel blessed today.

I have already sent my worries about cancer to God, and He has taken those worries away with a wonderful calmness, but suddenly non-cancer worries were sprouting up like weeds in a cow pasture. Some of them had to do with money, some with work, some with housekeeping, some dealing with the balding effects of chemo. God spoke to me today through so many of his vessels, and now I know that everything will be okay. Believe it or not, my faith is increasing NOT because I'm afraid of cancer, but because I see truly see God everywhere in everybody I've come into contact with. That I am witness to this is one of the best gifts I've ever received.

I cannot even express the thanks I'm feeling that I know I am not on this journey alone at all. I feel I have cheerleaders (no need for mini skirts, now) from coast to coast. Not that I have that I have friends everywhere, but my best friend lives near the East coast, and my little sister lives on the West. I love every single one of you, and when I've cried in the last days, the tears have been tears of joy.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. My husband and I were offered a room in the DFW area to have a weekend off before treatment starts, and of course we took it. One quiet weekend alone before the 1,000 pound gorilla tears its way into the room.

Cancer Vixen, NOT Victim

I happened upon this site last night. It made me smile. The person in the short cartoon is completely opposite of me. I'm more like a blue jean wearing, fun comfy shoe toting, small-town gal, but I AM going to kick cancer's butt.

http://www.randomhouse.com/knopf/cancervixen/

And if you EVER see me in five inch stilettos, call the doctor because something is definitely wrong with me.