Can't sleep

Before I get the Taxotere, I get a nice little bag of medicine through myIV that includes steroids that act as an anti-nausea and keep me from having any allergic reactions to the cancer poison. These steroids do the job, but I get hungry and can't sleep every time. I decided to get up and do something, and since I can't concentrate to read, I thought I'd just jot down some thoughts...I hope they make sense.

Two of the things I've always valued in my life is the intelligence I inherited from both of my wonderful parents and the love of hard work that I also received from them. First of all, I consider myself the least intelligent person between my parents and my siblings, but I'm still pretty darn smart. I love to gain knowledge and if I won the lottery (have to buy a ticket first) I would probably go to school and take every class I could. One of the major problems I'm having with the chemotherapy is the onset of "chemo-brain." I can't remember words, am worse at remembering names, and forget things that I normally wouldn't. It is frustrating to know I need to do something, but don't even have the foggiest idea what I need to do because I forgot to even write the darn thing down. A friend gave me a compact with a pink-jewel-encrusted pink ribbon on it that has a stick note on it that has helped to have something to write with, but I forget to use it half the time. I DO remember it to write down doctor appointments and the like...I HAVE to get better. The research on "chemo-brain," or as one of my bosses calls "chemonesia," says that it takes up to two years for normal brain function to continue. One of the benefits of being a teacher is that I do get to constantly learn, but with summer on, and I'm not teaching summer school to support my education habit, I have to try to stimulate my brain in other ways. Reading is a favorite hobby, and it is hard, too. Thank goodness for audio books. I'm spending time with my favorite character HP before the last book comes out right now.
I also gained from the example of my parents a work ethic that rivals the Amish. I remember during a nasty snow storm that mom was one of the only employees that came to work...and she lived at least thirty miles away from the office. I did the same thing in one of my first two years of teaching. I drove over snow on top of ice for a 45ish mile commute along the Dumas Highway, and was only 15 minutes late. I had to leave my house an hour earlier than I normally did...and I normally arrived 45 minutes early...so it even bothered me getting there that late. Honestly, I wouldn't do it again once I saw what danger I put myself in, and that the TRULY intelligent people who lived in Amarillo stayed home, but I was younger and more stubborn. Anyway, it has been very hard on me being away from work. Not only do I love my job and my students, I love working. Even this summer when Chris goes to teach summer school, I try to work the whole time he is gone getting little things done around the house. This week I've been cleaning out and organizing closets. Today I plan to tackle Angels after I sleep in...I have to remember that my first job is to get better.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, and I hope it made sense because I'm too tired to want to proof-read my writing. I want to let the dear reader know that I'm now whining, but I want to reflect on some of the truths of cancer that people don't think about. I knew the treatment would make my health go south (I didn't know how much, thankfully) and I'd lose my hair, but I didn't know about the other side-effects. I truly believed that I could go to chemo and only miss one day of work because I was young and tough...chemo was tougher. Angel made an observance that the cancer didn't make me near as sick as the cure. She is right to a point, but we all know what cancer can do, and I had to explain to her why people willingly put themselves through poisoning, burning (radiation) and mutilation (mastectomies). I thought I had an idea, but I was clueless. I don't remember what this advertised, but the tag line was, "You think you know, but you don't." If I got that wrong, I blame it on the chemo-brain. Well, I'm off to try to sleep again!