Pensive

I'm up again and can't sleep. For those familiar with the Harry Potter series, a pensive is a tool used to place and examine thoughts...kind of like this blog for me.

Another woman on my on-line support group's cancer has come back and spread to her liver, and possibly her brain and bones. It is weird, because she's been worried about a headache for a month and her doctor wasn't concerned. I'm not sure how, but she ended up in the hospital and the liver mets (metastatic disease spread) was found. I know this sounds weird, but in a way I'm lucky. I will always be closely monitored and when the cancer does come back, I will always know quickly.

At the moment, my life is back to a kind of "normal." To me it means my life does not rotate around treatments and surgery. I do have one small surgery left to build a nipple. I know it sounds weird, but the mirror in my bathroom is HUGE and it is impossible to miss when I get out of the shower. I was hoping my new foob would be more natural (rounded) looking, but it is kind of lopsided. A big part of that is from how I sleep on my side leaning to the front. My weight pushes the implant to the center. I just want to look more normal. I'm hopefully going to be in this body for a while, and while I know it is just temporary in the whole scheme of things, I just have the need to feel as normal as possible. After the built nipple heals, the color will be tattooed in to look like the other.

So what happens now in my treatment? I go to treatment every three weeks for Herceptin, and will until it stops working. I also still take a hormonal drug called Aromasin that blocks any remaining estrogen in my system. Both drugs help to starve the cancer out of my body. One of the sad facts about cancer is that it is a master at mutation. Just like the "super-bug" staph infection, cancer eventually finds a way to beat the treatments. Like I said, I will be monitored closely with blood tests to check for tumor markers and PET scans every three months. I believe all the way down to my heart that my oncologist is ready and willing to fight as hard as I am to beat this cancer, and hopefully there will be a true cure for all cancer soon.

Well, I guess I got rid of what was on my mind, so maybe I can finally get back to sleep. These night sweats are killing me.